Monday, December 1, 2014

God's ways are not our ways.

There are so many things to say that I don't even know where to begin…

Let me start by saying that this entire journey was started by God's prompting and He is faithful. My friend, Cathy, and I made the long trek across the ocean and landed in the freezing cold after 11pm local time. We finally made it to our apartment at 1am and were told that our court time was 9am! Figures, right? Last ones landing, but first ones to court that day! (There are 4 other families that we know of that are here adopting through the same organization.)

I was full of anticipation- so excited to see little Koen's file. So excited to accept his referral. So excited to begin the adventure and our lives with this little boy.

And my excitement-filled world crashed.

Our facilitator met me as I climbed out of the car and said that there was bad news. A local family had taken Koen's file the day before and he was no longer available. I was shocked, crushed, overwhelmed, in denial. It was almost hard to breath. I immediately thought of another child that Paki and I had been discussing. It was another little boy that we had at first thought was the same child as Koen due to some confusing information. Maybe this was God showing us that the other little boy WAS shown to us for a reason. But he was gone as well. Already adopted by a local family. I knelt down on the ground in the snow. My mind was racing. This was my worst fear actually happening. They were going to show me children, I was going to have to decide- to pick another child. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do this alone. It was the middle of the night for Paki. I had no way of calling him. I was on my own.

The other option was to say no and turn around, go back to the airport and go home. I considered it for a moment, but immediately knew that God didn't bring us half way around the world to just go back. I agreed to see the files.

I had always prayed that God would not make me "triage" children. It was my original dream that I would have to decide who to take and who to leave behind. As they went through the files, they showed me two little boys. One was a brown haired little boy with a playful smile. The other child was younger with a huge grin on his face. How do you decide? They read the files to me and it became clear that the younger little boy would not actually fit my home study approval and I really only had one child in front of me. They made me wait for another hour to see if any more files were coming, but there were no more. I was surprised that (while my home study was very narrow in the children I could adopt) that there was only one file sitting there. Looking back, I realize the sweetness of this moment. God's absolute kindness. Had I known in advance that Koen was no longer available, would I have gotten on that plane? I don't know. God made sure I was on my way with no turning back. Had I traveled sooner as offered, this little boy "Magnus" wouldn't have been available as he does not turn 5 for another week and a half. And there was only one. God did not make me "triage". He placed this little boy in front of me and asked me, "Do you trust me? Am I enough for you?" And I said yes.

So meet little "Magnus"…
                                                           


This is the little boy that I was able to meet just three days ago. He was told that his mama had come for him and he was so excited that he told his caretakers goodbye and that he wasn't coming back! Very sweet.

While I am very excited about this little boy, I am still struggling. My heart is still broken. I want to love this little boy freely, joyfully, without guilt or reservation. But I don't yet. It's comparable to when Paki and I lost our first baby and then 2 months later became pregnant with Kahiapo. I was excited to be having a baby again, but the excitement was dulled by the 'what if's' and 'what could have beens'.  I know my heart will heal. I will always wonder about little Koen and if he is being loved and cared for. But like Paki said to me when I finally was able to tell him what happened, "He is in God's hands, Joanna." I am so grateful to Paki during this time- he knows me so well and has given me such encouragement. This is what he wrote that day, "Praise God that Koen and Daniel have families! Just as with Kahiapo, Kale'a and Konale, our children are God's and are only ours on loan from God. Magnus fits perfectly into that mold.There is no loss here at all, since God has prepared our hearts to adopt and there is a child in need of a family. He has gotten us this far, how great is His plan for us!" I am so grateful for a godly, loving husband with a heart for our family.

So Cathy and I caught a train to come see Magnus- a 9 hour overnight train ride! We didn't sleep at all and went to meet Magnus later Friday morning. We are so out of our comfort zone with language, customs (don't smile too much- it's rude!), and overall exhaustion. I am not good with learning languages so I pretty much know how to say "Hi" and "thank you"! I'm trying, but just not having as much success as I would hope. 

So keep us in your prayers as we continue down this road. I signed papers today confirming my intent and now the paper chase begins. I will get to visit Magnus daily at his orphanage and continue getting to know him. We are definitely going to have our hands full with this little guy. He has lots of energy and is curious about EVERYTHING. He is already addicted to my iPhone wanting to watch the videos of himself and of our family. I pray that he will become more comfortable with me and that we will find ways to communicate! Thank you in advance for all your prayers!

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