Wednesday, May 6, 2015

What is our new "Normal"?



THREE MONTHS HOME!
I can't believe it, but three months have passed since my mother-in-law, myself and one small Ukrainian landed on U.S. soil.  It was a crazy trip with 3 layovers and over 24 hours of travel, but we made it.  I was so grateful to have the help as traveling with a child who doesn't understand what is happening and it excited to maximize his new-found freedom is... challenging.  CPS was NOT waiting for us in Chicago (where we went through customs) much to my surprise based on the struggle it was to get Kanoa to put his seat belt on for landing, but we made it!

The reunion with Paki and the kids was awesome!  They had "met" Kanoa through Facetime throughout the 3 weeks we waited for Kanoa's passport in Kiev.  We walked through the door at Paki's grandmother's where everyone was waiting for us and he easily accepted a hug from his new daddy and siblings!  It was better than we expected and we were thrilled that this first hurdle was a win!

I was so grateful to be home and have the parenting support of Paki.  Those weeks in Ukraine trying to adjust with Kanoa were very hard and took a lot out of me.  I was angry, frustrated, resentful, and at the end of my rope. This is also part of the reason I have not said much up until this point.  I had/have a lot of things that I am working through. 

Celebrating Kale'a's belated birthday a week after we got home. Kitty Cat theme, if you couldn't tell. :)
As for Kanoa, he is doing great.  We've made huge progress with his behavior, emotional out-bursts, and language.  Once he gets going talking, it's hard to make him stop!  Having our next two children so close in age as him has helped tremendously.  He imitates their interactions and words, and they are helping him with his pronunciation.  While I was in Ukraine, I was able to observe a "session" with Kanoa and the orphanage psychologist with my interpreter.  The psychologist took him through some exercises and problem solving/identification scenarios.  At one point she said, "Maybe he will be better at sports."  I was irritated that she would say something like this in front of him.  Now that he's been home for 3 months, knows some of his letters and can count to 15 in English (he was unable to count to 5 in his native language without help and knew NO letters), I want to go back and yell at that woman that these children just need a chance to learn! 

First visit to the Aquarium
The things that Kanoa has learned and developed in just the last 3 months shows how much a child needs a family to fully develop to their potential.  I am amazed at the simple things in life we take for granted.  Things that Kanoa was not afforded or never given the opportunity to experience.  So as we continue to integrate Kanoa in our family and adjust to all the changes, we continue to be amazed at the plan the God designed in family and children.  We are relying daily on God's strength and pray for wisdom and creativity to meet each challenge. 
First time making s'mores, around a fire, on the beach. We had to cut him off after 2 s'mores!

Here are some things I have learned in the past 3 months:

1. Love is not instant and if we rely on our emotions for it, we will be disappointed.  Love is a choice.

2. If you think you're a good person, godly person, or generally on the up and up... adopt.  You will quickly see the true ugliness in your heart, and it will scare you.  I have never been so aware of my own sinfulness and need for a savior than in the last 3 months. 

3. Expectations are yours.  You are responsible for what you determine them to be and how you will react when they are or are not met.  Expectations need to change, often. 

4. Forgiveness brings redemption and redemption brings freedom.  In that freedom, we are able to love.

5. When to walk away and when the battle is worth fighting.  There has been much "dying on swords" in our house over the last 3 months.  We soon realized there are certain things that we just need to let go of and adjust that expectation to a spot further down the line.  This has not been easy.
 
6. Costco memberships are worth their weight in gold.  Kanoa can out eat Paki most days... I'm scared of the teenage years!

So please keep us in your prayers.  We have our good days and bad days, but for each step backwards, we can still clearly see God's hand reaching out to pull us through to that next step forward.  As a dear friend told me today, "As parents, we're not just raising our children to be 'good', we're shaping their hearts to follow God."
 

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Adoption isn't for the weak of heart

It's been awhile since I've posted on what has happened with this adoption because I struggle with what to say. How much do I share? What parts should I just skip over? How much is too real for the casual reader who thinks adoption is perfectly beautiful? Because while adoption IS beautiful and it is an amazing journey, it's got some ugly spots. Not just some little bruise or some dirt you found under the fridge, but some knock down drag out ugliness that makes you wonder if you were ever sane to step into this new world.

I was able to meet with Taras (his alias was Magnus for his original adoption listing) daily for two and a half weeks. It was great to see this little boy and learn about his world. But it was a challenging setting. We met him in one small room (with very weird stuffed animals that were never played with) or one bigger room (with 2 piano's you were not allowed to touch... found that one out the hard way, and a variety of small animals- turtles, birds, fish, chinchillas) with no one else around. So without knowing really the "rules" and not being able to effectively communicate, this little boy decided that boundaries did not exist. He was very difficult to engage and he rarely wanted to play with any toy we brought. He mostly wanted to touch and get into anything that was "off limits". Although, my iPhone was a highly coveted item and I had to guard that sucker so he didn't try to spend the whole time reprograming it for me! Eventually some of the behaviors sent me over the edge and I had to take a break. Apparently it is very common for kids in orphanages to know quite a few curse words, but I was shocked when I found out that he had been calling me some not nice names on top of everything else. I turned to some other veteran adoptive mommas and got some good advice. When his behavior was getting out of control, I left for the day. It was empowering that I didn't have to suffer through and I no longer felt any dread for how the visit was going to go! Also, that I wasn't the first momma that had this experience!

On December 17, I stood before a judge and declared my intentions to be granted parental rights of this little boy. I was bracing myself for lots of questions and, while I was asked some things, it was a relatively painless. After 30 minutes, the judge ruled that I was now Taras's mother and his new name was Kanoa Taras Gomes! It was such an exciting day. Also because that meant I could finally go home to see Paki and the kids after 3.5 emotionally exhausting weeks.

(Outside the court house…)

Before leaving, I discussed return dates with my facilitation team and was planning to return January 12th to finish up the paperwork. After court, there is a mandatory 10 day wait that was going to run into  the holidays as Ukraine celebrates the Orthodox Christmas on January 7th. On December 31st, I got an email that my facilitator had an appointment for me on January 6th! My mother-in-law was planning on returning with me for the second trip, but she was unable to travel that soon. So four days later, I boarded a flight by myself and headed back to Ukraine.

My first meeting with Taras after coming back was less than I expected. He didn't seem unhappy to see me, but more indifferent to my presence. I admit I was a little worried. On January 12th, Taras walked out of the gates of the orphanage no longer an orphan, but a son, grandson, and brother... And he was balling his eyes out. He pulled out his toy phone and was trying to call back to his group and while my Russian isn't that great, I knew exactly what he was saying. I was so heart broken for him. He didn't understand. He had no idea what the future held. I was just some lady that visited him and my name was mama. Mama truly didn't mean anything to him. The ugly side of adoption. The heartbreak. The loss. The unknown.

(Taras trying to call back to his group because he didn't want to leave)

Unfortunately, we didn't get our passport application appointment the same day I picked him up from the orphanage. Taras and I were on our own until we got up to Kiev where my mother-in-law was going to be waiting for me. I didn't shower, I used the bathroom with the door open, I couldn't turn my back on this boy for a second. I was getting a cup of water and he tried to pull the tv off the stand down on his head. Insatiable curiosity, a liter of sorrow, a dash of anger, and a gallon of inability to sit still for a second made me exhausted in the first 10 minutes. But by God's grace, we made it through security and onto the flight up to Kiev.

Once in Kiev, what I thought was crazy behavior, stepped up to a new level. My mother-in-law was so caught off guard, she didn't even know what to say. Our driver who took us to our medical screening appointments (required by anyone trying to get a visa) was so "affected" by his behavior, he went home to tell his wife about it. I actually had to physically restrain him for a large portion of the appointments and anytime we were in public. What it comes down to is that Taras was a favorite at his orphanage so he was constantly getting attention and performing for that attention. When in public, he wants everyone to see him and give him that affirmation that he has been used to getting. And oh, the things he'll do to get people to look at him.

We've been here in Kiev for 7 days now and all we're waiting on is Taras's passport so we can take it to the U.S. Embassy for his visa and then we can come home. Taras is still having moments/hours, but has made so much progress in this short week. We are establishing boundaries, identifying behaviors/triggers, and he is beginning to understand a lot more of what is ok and what is not. We are communicating better and even his mental processing has improved. When we first got here, he couldn't figure out some basic puzzles on our iPad and even some cardboard shape ones. Now he is actually enjoying doing them. But his favorite toy of all time… the vacuum cleaner. That boy went around this apartment for almost 2 hours today. Then before bed, he started pointing to the floor indicating that it was dirty again and he went back to pull out the vacuum again. I had to assure him that he could play with it again tomorrow before he would go to bed!

(Sad that we have to put the vacuum cleaner away for tonight)

And the biggest thing… at first, he refused to see Paki or the kids on FaceTime and would run away every time he heard Paki's voice. Now, if he hears my phone ring, he comes running to hear Paki say, Priviet, Taras! (Hi) and "Ya Lubloo tebe" (I love you). I even actually heard Taras practicing Kahi and Konale's names at bedtime one night. For some reason Kale'a still eludes him, but he's trying. So while he still can drive me bonkers with opening/shutting doors, turning on/off every light switch, trying to get into everything all the time, we are building ties and growing in an understanding of trust. (I hope.) I don't know that he loves me (or if he even knows what love is) and there are still moments where I question my sanity, but I can't wait to get home and see this little boy meet his new forever family.

So keep us in your prayers. Once we finally get home (hopefully this weekend!!), a whole new set of challenges begin!